Death To Pretty Boys!
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: A new Evil has risen in the land of Transylvania!  Only the power of legendary Simon Belmont can overcome it, but is he prepared for the Evil's true nature?  Fight Simon!  For Everlasting Posterity!  An ode to the one-and-only Vampire Killer.
1. Prologue

_Seit Jahrhunderten__hat__Siebenbürgen__unter dem Deckmantel der__Dunkelheit__und__Verzweiflung__. __Der__Herr__des Bösen__, __Graf Dracula__, __ist seit langem__die__Menschen__mit__seinen bösen__Mächten__und__dämonischen Lakaien__verwüstet__. __Das__war__bis zu dem Tag__ein Champion__entstanden__, und nach einem __tapferen__Suche__und__Opfer__tötete er__Dracula__und__brachte__den Frieden im Land__. __Das__Meister__...__wurde__Simon__Belmont__._

_Viel Zeit ist__seit__dem__Belmont__'s __vorbei__geleitet__und__Siebenbürgen__hat einen__unruhigen__Zeit__genossen__. __Aber__in einer Nacht__, __Das Böse__kommt__._

***Author's Note**: **Use Google Translate. I DARE you**!*

**Prologue**

**Simon's Awakening**

A graveyard setting, beneath a dark and spooky night. An air of eeriness surrounded the many decrepit and ominous tombstones and crypts as bats, 8-bit hawks and other creatures of the night fluttered around. Beside a particularly gnarled tree (that had yellow eyes for some reason) was the grave of the brave vampire killer Simon Belmont, which looked in far better condition than most of the other graves. An evil gust blew over the grave, and from the pitch black of the night materialized the Lord of Death Himself: Death. Garbed in a soul-stealing cloak and wielding his heinous scythe the skull-faced life-taker hovered over the grave of Belmont, a look of wicked planning in his empty eye-sockets.

**Death**: Heheheheh. You have slumbered long enough Belmont. Your presence is needed to orchestrate the revival of my master. Rise from your grave!

Death began an evil incantation and conjured an evil sphere of evil energy that flowed with the evilest of evilness. But his evil plan barely put into action the grave site exploded unexpectedly.

**Death**: What!

Surprised and stunned by the violent reaction Death lost his grip on his scythe which spun upwards and came down across Death's neck, decapitating him and making him give off a spine-chilling death-screech in the process.

**Death**: (Second time this has happened. Why must I suck this hard?)

In a poof of antiquated evil Death was no more. From the newly formed hole an orange and brown blur shot out and landed some yards away, revealing itself as none other than the renowned and hunched slayer of Dracula Simon Belmont, alive and well and accompanied by awesome theme music to boot.

**Simon: **What the…? Evil has returned. I must go vanquish it!

Not a moment more Simon took off from the graveyard and out into the wilderness to meet his heroic calling.

_Einmal mehr der Held Simon Belmondo Reisen in die Welt des Bösen befreien. Unbemerkt von ihm, das Böse war er zu Gesicht würde eine unerwartete und beunruhigende Art sein._

_... Was? Du dachtest ich mit der ganzen deutschen schtick getan wurde? Als ob du Slappy-wedeln! Ho ho ho ho ... Glockenspiel._

**To Be Continued**

(Turns out there's no German translation for this phrase, so I quit XP)


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Harmony of Dismembering**

After a half hour of traversing later the newly-resurrected Simon arrived at a grand ominous castle shrouded in mist whose front door was wide open oddly enough. Simon paused a moment to stare dramatically at the horrid haunt, then headed inside. Somewhere on the second floor Simon stopped to reflect having not encountered any monsters surprisingly.

**Simon:** Castlevania… How long it has been since I walked these dread halls. Yet they are bereft of monsters; there's not even one obligatory bone-throwing skeleton. But I sense the evil is close. Very close.

At that moment a dashing gent in green and brown, luscious hair and with a massive scabbard on his back approached Simon from behind.

**Maxim**: Who might you be?

Simon is abruptly startled and jumped back to face the man.

**Simon**: Zounds, the Evil! Be purged Demon!

Without hesitation Simon tossed a bottle of Holy Water right into the person's face, which broke and sprayed fluid causing the man to hastily grasp his face with both hands.

**Maxim: **Ow it's gotten into my eyes AGH!

**Simon: **What? It's immune to the Holy Water! Then I shall hit it with my Axe!

Simon tossed an Axe in the typical arcing fashion which hit the incapacitated man dead-on, slicing him asunder and causing him to shout a drawn-out heroic death cry before evaporating into a cloud of red.

**Simon**: Hold on. Demons don't sound like that when they die.

It was then that another man, of pale complexion, flowing white hair, stately red clothes and with a whip on his side, walked in to where the previous man had stood.

**Juste:** Oh dearest Maxim! Why did you have to perish so abruptly?

**Simon**: Another appears!

**Juste:** Hm?

The hunky newcomer is taken aback.

**Juste:** Can it be? Simon, Belmont?

**Simon:** What? How do you know of my name?

**Juste:** It is I, Grandfather. Juste. Juste Belmont, your descendent.

**Simon:** Juste? What kind of name is that? More importantly, did you call yourself my descendent?

**Juste: **Yes Grandfather. It has been 50 years since you had passed, and Castlevania has arisen once again. Surely Dracula has returned!

Simon fell silent to what was said and turned away to contemplate out loud.

**Simon:** 50 years… Has it really been 50 years?

**Juste:** Yes it has. It's astonishing that you are here; seemingly well, as though-

**Simon:** In 50 years time this is what has become of the Belmonts!

**Juste**: What?

**Simon:** A truly sick jest. Look at you: Wavy hair, tight skin, soft facial features, what I'm seeing to be mascara. You're nothing but a vanity doll, and in no way a respectable Belmont!

**Juste:** But Grandfather I am! I only appear this dainty because I'm still young-

**Simon:** Enough! Ugh, just looking at you fills me with bile. However there is no denying the essence you exude is in fact the signature Belmont aura. I can even sense the power of the Vampire Killer which you hold, another indicator of our shared lineage. Yet, I too hold the very same Vampire Killer of evil's bane.

Simon whipped his whip to emphasize that statement.

**Simon**: Now I understand; this is precisely the evil I sensed upon my revival!

**Juste**: Pardon?

**Simon**: Apparently Dracula's curse lingered on after my death, turning my descendents into sissy men. I won't have it! The strong masculine image established by my predecessors and me will not devolve into something so heinously effeminate. Clearly I've risen to rectify this blemish of bloodline, much like how I rectified that she-male from before!

Juste is stunned by that last part.

**Juste:** She-male, you mean Maxim? So… YOU were the one who slew him! I cannot believe this; you are not the kind-hearted Simon I was told of!

**Simon: **Well you're a pale girly husk of a Belmont and I cannot let you live longer to further tarnish my family's burly name!

**Juste: **Whatever you are I will not go down that easily. Your madness ends here!

**Simon**: Begone, pretty boy!

In a most extraordinarily bizarre turn of events the hero Simon Belmont began attacking his very own grandson. However despite the speed of Simon's whip Juste executed a flashy back dash in time to avoid the Vampire Killer by a wide margin.

**Simon:** Eh? What trickery is this?

**Juste:** Bedazzled, "Grandfather?" Then how about this!

Juste did a forward dash and lashed out with his Vampire Killer which connected and sent Simon hunched over in a groan a few feet back.

**Simon:** Hrgh! You're in for such a whipping you wily fop!

Simon charged forward in his awkward strut but once more Juste dashed away just as Simon attacked.

**Simon:** Hold still knave!

Simon strutted forward again and like the other two times his bleach-haired foe got out of striking distance.

**Juste:** Apparently mine is the quicker generation, ha ha. Now for thy reckoning!

Giving a shout and making a dramatic stance Juste conjured a massive ice missile from thin air and sent it into Simon. The antiquated Belmont, unprepared for the attack, was knocked back a good distance down the corridor, breaking several candles before coming to a stop on the ground. As he started to get up Simon spotted an item of interest: A Stop Watch beneath one of the busted hallway candles. Meanwhile Juste started walking toward Simon.

**Juste:** Ready to go peacefully, or have you passed already by chance?

Suddenly Juste froze mid-step to the sound of a piercing ting noise, a look of shock on his face.

**Juste**: Huh? Can't… Move…

**Simon:** Good to hear.

Two yards ahead Simon was back on his feet with the Stop Watch hovering over his head releasing its effect over the area. Juste gasped in dismay at the fatal disadvantage he found himself in.

**Simon:** Thine ass is grass now!

With boast uttered Simon let loose a steely Dagger that soared down the corridor and right into the creamy complexion of Juste's face. The impact sent the young vampire hunter flying back down the corridor and through a window at the other end. As glass shards and blood filled the air Juste gave a long heroic death cry as he fell far from the castle proper and over the vast cliff face below, but midway down a wandering Medusa Head bumped into him and a statue that was formerly a dying Belmont was dashed to bits on the rocks below. Finding himself alone once more Simon reveled in his victory.

**Simon:** Hmph. All flair and no resilience; typical pretty boy flaws. A great justice has been upheld this night.

At that moment Simon was overwhelmed by an unsettling feeling that brought him to kneel.

**Simon: **Ah… I'm sensing… great chaos and devastation… fire and death. More importantly, I sense: Bishonnen.

Simon stood straight back up.

**Simon:** I must away!

Rushing off down the corridor Simon ran into a teleportation room and leapt into a mosaic portal that sent him through time. On the other side Simon ran out of Castlevania and toward a huge rising cloud of smoke in the distance.

**To Be Continued**


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Rondo of Bludgeoning**

The village was rapidly being consumed by flame when Simon arrived. To his great horror he recognized it as being one of several villages he had visited on his last quest to defeat Dracula, and seeing how little was done to save the village sickened him. Just then, on the second floor landing of a half-demolished house, there appeared a muscular man wearing blue that had the face of a teenager and impeccably smooth skin as well as a whip to his side. Simon immediately knew what it was he was facing, and he was filled with a rage that consumed his earlier disgust.

_(__**Atuhor's Nose**__: The next few lines of dialogue are to be read as ham-fistedly as possible.)_

"Die bishi. You don't belong in this world!" Shouted Simon.

"It was not by my hand that I was given such looks. I was made this way by Konami who wish to appease the fans." Defended Richter.

"Appease them! You steal their masculinity and make them question their sexuality!" Pointed out Simon.

"Perhaps the same could be said of all anime stylization ploys…" Mockingly responded Richter.

"Your words are as hollow as your cheekbones! The fanbase ill needs a pretty boy such as you!" Insinuated Simon.

"What is a fan? (Obligatory toss of wine glass later) An annoying little pile of obsession. But enough talk… Have at you!"

Gothic rock played as the suave Richter leapt from his perch to face Simon on even footing. Richter struck with his whip yet Simon deftly leapt back from it. Richter made a zealous laugh.

"Did you expect me to go easy on you old man?" asked Richter, to which Simon responded,

"I expect you to die!"

Simon tossed a Dagger but Richter's whip knocked it away.

"Yours is a violent and foolish quest. I have no choice but to lay the book on you!"

With a heft Richter tossed a Holy Book at Simon's face, knocking him back with a groan.

"That should knock some sense into you that the Belmonts are of greater power and status then in your day." Simon didn't take this lying down as he shouted,

"No! The Belmont name is a proud unflinching one whose members wore all-leather clothing to display their physical prowess. Those fancy clothes make you look like a stable boy fairy!"

"Although this fabric is nowhere as tough as animal hide it does allow for exceptional maneuverability, like so!" boasted Richter.

Effortlessly Richter pulled off a back flip that landed him on a landing above a set of stairs.

"Acrobatics only delay the inevitable, pretty boy," said Simon.

Simon charged forward at the stairs and began the long arduous ascent of 25 steps, to which Richter gave another laugh.

"You fool! Now that you are trapped in that ascending animation I'll rain Axes upon you!"

And Richter did just that, throwing a bunch of Axes that all hit Simon as he climbed. Yet despite the many hits Simon kept climbing unimpeded.

"No! How is it that you are still moving unhindered or phased!" To which Simon answered,

"As I said amateur: The mark of physical prowess lies in leather!"

Richter retreated back as Simon reached the top of the stairs. From there the elder Belmont did a jump and whipped two lanterns that were hanging in mid-air, each dropping a numbered power-up that were immediately gathered.

"With this III you will witness the true meaning of DOMINATED!" Simon exclaimed.

In one go Simon threw up three Axes that fell toward Richter, but with a draw of his whip he twirled it around in a wide deflecting circle that rendered the Axes useless. This left Simon rather flabbergasted to the point of out-crying,

"Witchcraft! I call witchcraft! The influence of Satan is flowing through the once pure Vampire Killer; a most insidious wretch you are!" Richter shook his head rebelliously at the claim before saying,

"This isn't the devil's work you fossil. Merely a flick of the wrist and I have instant protection." But Simon wouldn't accept it.

"Hold thy tongue sorcerer as I bless thy ass!"

Simon began throwing a barrage of Holy Crosses but each of them is reflected back by Richter's physics-defying whip spin. Simon kept throwing Crosses in a tireless stream, resulting in a rather ridiculous stalemate. After saying that though an adorable little girl with blonde hair and a pink dress walked up to Richter and asked,

"Onii-chan, what are you doing?"

As he kept spinning the whip Richter replied, "In the middle of fending off a crazy man. Now get out of here; this is no time for a child to be bothering me."

"It kinda looks like you're having trouble Onii-chan," Maria pointed out. Richter immediately stopped his whip-capades to face her and say,

"Bitch what you talkin' bout? It's he who's having trouble here!"

Richter received a Cross to the back of the head, followed by a shout of "Pwned!" from Simon. The once-boasting Belmont sprawled out on the ground as Maria stood by all innocent.

"You probably should have guarded your strength then," she suggested innocently, to which Richter retorted,

"Maybe if you weren't talking and lent me your power I wouldn't be down on my face."

Simon suddenly became stricken with horror upon thinking what the current conversation might be about.

"You really are a hideous mockery of a human being: Along with being fair of face you're also cavorting with severely under-aged girls! Sickening; absolutely SICKENING! By God's very Will I shall purge your deviance from the face of the planet!" To which God commanded,

"_**Finish Him!"**_

Everything darkened slightly, and from the Heavens above a Whip Power-up descended unto Simon. Richter managed to stand up and shake about woozily for a little bit before Simon unleashed a rapid-fire assault of magically-enhanced whip attacks. As blood and flesh were torn asunder Richter gave off a screeching heroic death cry before exploding into a marvelous cascade of blood and bone, and God made the call.

"_**Simon Belmont Wins. Brutality!"**_

Everything lit up back to normal, and once more Simon stood the victorious Belmont. However Maria looked confused and expressed as much when she spoke.

"Crazy-san, Onii-chan was the one who rescued me. He didn't do anything bad." With as straight a face as Simon's ancient face could muster he said,

"His pretty looks were a damnable crime in of itself. Fret yourself no further little girl. I have righted what was-"

Simon stopped mid-sentence as his senses got the better of him again, which gave Maria concern.

"Mister?"

"The castle! I missed something somehow! AWAY!"

Simon leapt off into a dash leaving the little girl behind in the smoldering building. Exiting the burning village Simon once more headed in the direction of Castlevania, which had now grown more ominous beneath gathering storm clouds.

**To Be Continued**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Symphony of the Napalm**

Thunder rumbled above as Simon strutted at incredible speeds through the thick forest. Hawks flapped as they followed him before pulling back near the entrance of a formidable castle. Simon leapt at full-speed toward the rising drawbridge, but at the velocity he was going he broke through the drawbridge just as it had about closed. Still soaring through the air the speedy Belmont broke through the side of the castle and kept on bursting through room after room for several seconds before landing somewhere within the inner bowels of Castlevania. A look around revealed that he was standing in some kind of abandoned indoor coliseum, but he had no time to further marvel the architecture when the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

"My Evil sense is tingling. Show yourself, fiend!"

Above in the spectator seats walked in a dashing deathly person of melancholic repute, garbed in the clothing of a lord and wafting with the funk of two hundred years. A pale complexion complemented by flowing silvery hair made the unearthly individual quite the looker, and for that Simon was immediately on edge. The figure spoke,

"It's no surprise you found me out. You hold the scent of a Belmont," he said softly, to which Simon retorted,

"And you have the scent of ne'er-do-well-manship, by which I mean Evil. It is also a scent of foes most foul: That of pretty boy, and of my great nemesis."

"Indeed," the man replied. "I share the cursed bloodline of the one whom you slain half a century ago. Alucard be my name. And you of course are the unmistakable legend Simon Belmont."

"Darn tootin'!" Simon proclaimed raising a fist. Alucard resumed,

"I have kept watch over you since you murdered your grandson. Somehow you managed to cross time in order to end the life of another descendent. This obsession of taking out your own kin solely for image discrepancy is most unsettling." Simon merely shrugged at the dashing dhampir's concern and said,

"You should be more concerned about yourself, blood-sucker. I took out your father like the bitch he was and I'll do the same in little effort with you!"

"Still thyself, Belmont; I hold no qualms with humans as my father did, though they did kill my mother. No, I wish to resolve your misguided bloodlust peacefully, so as to repay the man who helped me long ago, your-"

Before he could continue Alucard was beaned in the head by a can of Belmonte® Garlic Sauce, abruptly stopping his exposition. Down below Simon was eagerly juggling another can with one hand.

"Blah blah blah fancy talk fancy talk. Since when do I ever reason with a servant of the devil, much less the son of one? Your honey-and-blood-soaked words shan't fool me demon; the only 'resolution' we'll be having is me putting a stake through your heart!"

Simon tossed the can of sauce at Alucard, but this time the wicked child warded it off with a wave of his cape.

"Clearly you are beyond the consul of words," Alucard said mournfully in an audacious manner. "In that case, I shall utilize something that will no doubt grab your attention."

The prince of darkness raised a hand, and from the earth of the arena floor there arose three identical coffins upright and side by side. A veil of green fire surrounded them momentarily, and once it extinguished the coffins opened to reveal their contents: Three humans, one a sketchy-looking knife-wielder, one a blue-cloaked woman radiating with magic, and finally a bulging leather-laden picture of masculinity with a whip. Simon couldn't believe his eyes as he recognized them all shouting,

"It can't be! Great-Grandpa Trevor! Great-Grandma Sypha! And Vold-, er, I meant, Grant DaNasty! In the name of cripplingly-flawed sequels what are they doing here!" To this Alucard answered,

"Those who became The Great Three were my allies in the fight against my father. Now they fight with me once again. This time it is you who shall get struck down by a Belmont."

Gothic metal played as the newly risen Three of Destiny attacked. Simon struggled to comprehend that his long-time hero and ancestor was aligned with a spawn of Dracula.

"Grandfather! I don't understand; why are you and Great-Gamgam working for evil? Explain to me!"

His manly plea went unnoticed as Grant tossed a knife, from which Simon back-leapt. While he was in mid-air Sypha levitated to cast a fireball on the ground behind Simon causing him to be knocked back from injury. Upon landing Simon watched his buffed grand-daddy charge at him with his whip, to which Simon ducked in the nick of time only to leap back when Trevor tossed down a vial of Holy Water. However the flames that erupted weren't the sanctimonious blue of norm but instead orange and seething with wickedness. Simon then came to a startling realization and pointed a pixeled finger at his predecessor.

"Hold it! That flame was unholy. You're not Trevor! A horrid attempt of imitation is what you are as with the other two; the result of vampiric trickery I say!"

Simon was interrupted in his tirade as a bloody bone cross came spinning at him and planted a blow on his jaw. The wretched weapon returned to Trevor who gave a menacing laugh, which Simon didn't take well.

"Ill-born specters, I'll make you regret trying to wrench my heart to confuse me. NO MASCULINE BELMONT FIGHTS FOR ANY SHE-MALE, EVER!"

With that shout Simon went on the offensive and charge-leapt over Trevor to go after Grant. Due to his rage-induced speed Simon managed to reach the knife-enthusiast and dealt a strong blow with his Vampire Killer, but before he could deliver another the spoony pirate hopped up onto the ceiling out of reach.

"Get back here you little shit! Graaa! I'll just do away with she-bitch instead!"

True to his word he made for the fake Sypha but unlike Grant she was prepared, retaliating with a blast of ice chunks that knocked Simon back. On the ground again Simon turned to face yet another charge from Trevor, only now Simon threw out three Crosses in response. Doppel-Trevor whipped the Crosses away but in the midst of it Simon hopped over him and attacked his back with the whip. The Festival of Servants made for a truly intense scuffle but Simon, still filled with a great outrage, continued on by jumping and throwing an Axe at Grant. The ceiling-hugger managed to throw out one knife before getting cleaved to bits by the Axe. When the knife neared Simon he brought his whip forth with such speed and force that the knife was sent off screamingly up toward Alucard who got struck in the face by the unexpectedly fast projectile. Giving a cry of pain Alucard grasped his face as a lone eyeball fell from him and plopped along the coliseum floor. Simon approached the organ and claimed it his own.

"Only five more parts and I got the whole set. Ha ha!"

Simon's boasting ended when Trevor tackled him to the ground with brute force. Suddenly Simon found himself in an awkward yet desperate match of Greek wrestling with the near-perfect clone of his ancestor, and so for both pride and survival Belmont battled Belmont via arm and leg pulls and locks. The men from separate generations grunted and yelled, rolling over dirt as the glistening sweat of their respective muscular forms absorbed the grime dust and made them indiscriminately dirty. At one point fake Trevor had Simon's head in a firm leg lock and at another Simon had Trevor on the ground with legs pulled back and squirming. Both Alucard and fake Sypha looked on completely at a loss for words, merely staring at the display of raw human power in its most hypnotic and vomit-inducing form.

The discomforting period came to an end thankfully when Simon managed to kick Trevor off toward Sypha. The evil clone in mid-flight bashed into Sypha knocking her to the ground. Simon took this opportunity to toss several Daggers up at the ceiling which ricocheted at a downward angle into different points of the downed sorceress, sticking her in place. Not long after giving off a horrid cry Simon leapt high into the air over her and brutally dropped down in a stomp that flattened her into a silenced bloody pancake.

"Ohhhhh Yeeah! Simon's REEEEA-DY! Can you smell what the Belmondo is cookin'? That would be PAIN!" was his roar of manliness for performing such a gruesome feat.

Unable to watch from the sidelines any longer Alucard brought up his cape and began a Dance of Illusion by teleporting. Reappearing beside the blood-soaked Simon Alucard withdrew his cape to send three fireballs at him, which knocked him away. Recovering from the surprise attack Simon looked to lay a beatdown but as he went to fight Trevor tackled him from behind. Pushed forward Simon wound up being hit back by a flash of Alucard's sword, flying back to get whipped by Trevor, only to fly forward again just to be sent away by a burst of lightning from the pale-skinned hero. Simon skidded to a stop some distance away and started to pant from the cross-exchange.

"Damn. That vigorous wrestling wore me out, and I haven't properly recovered from the witch's blows. What to do…" Simon pondered to himself outloud.

Alucard summoned a tiny devil near Trevor, who grabbed and tossed it into Simon. Again finding himself in flight Simon crashed into the wall of the arena breaking parts of it asunder and slumped down in disorientation.

"Curses…" He then he noticed a succulent hunk of meat with a bone sticking out of it and his spirits lifted. "A Porkchop! About time I found one of these!"

As he put the life-saving Porkchop into his mouth Bizarro-Trevor charged and lifted him forcefully off the ground by his neck. The dread specter applied growing pressure with his beefy hands in the hopes of ending Simon then and there, but Simon continued to chew furiously, and with all his will he spat out the bone of the Porkchop hard enough to shoot it through Trevor's eye. The improvised impalement sent Trevor soaring back in a dying groan, releasing his grip on Simon. The dead pseudo-Belmont crashed into Alucard sending him spinning onto the ground before landing someplace else to crumple and ignite into hell-fire along with the corpses of the other imitations.

With the coliseum returned to its former level of quiet Alucard managed to roll himself onto his back as Simon approached and stood over him.

"P-please. Have mercy!" Alucard pleaded all melancholic-like.

"It is not my place to deliver mercy, though I will allow you to consult whatever maker put you on this earth. Consider it appreciation for letting me see my idols face to face," Simon said in contempt. Alucard groaned in weak melancholy and then said,

"Understand, Belmont… the path which you have chosen… lacks the fulfillment others in your clan have and will receive…"

Simon slowly brought out a vial of Holy Water before saying,

"Keep the lily-livered denouncing to yourself until you meet Satan, yaoi-bait. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Like father, (intense close-up) like son."

Simon flicked the Holy Water at Alucard, and upon touching him the glass shattered and the half-vampire became engulfed in holy agonizing flame. The tragic protagonist flailed and screamed on the ground as fire ate away at him, and like a cool guy Simon turned and walked away slowly not once looking back at the impressive pyre. The walking-away image didn't last as Alucard suddenly burst into a sparkly explosion. Simon turned back only to get blown out of the castle well up into the sky by the blast. The rocketing Belmont flew straight into a solar eclipse and vanished with the rays of the sun.

**To Be Continued**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Aria of Smackdown**

After a good bit of flying Simon crash landed onto a hanging stone structure situated on the underside of a floating castle above the clouds and before a full moon. Nonchalantly standing up and brushing himself off Simon checked the airy bit of scenery remarking,

"Can't say I anticipated that outcome. And what is this place? Nice view though."

"Simon!"

The shout turned Simon's attention to an approaching stranger who entered from one side of the wall-less chamber. The figure wore a heavy brown coat with red under-clothing and rugged boots to match. His thick beard/mustache combo and unkempt yet rich brown hair gave the look of a man hardened by time in both body and spirit. The brusque gentlemen continued:

"That is enough."

Simon was initially bemused by this rugged person knowing his name, but it became more so as he felt the familiar presence from struggles past.

"Who might you be?" he inquired, to which the stranger promptly answered,

"I am a Belmont same as you. The name is Julius."

Simon was suddenly stunned with disbelief of the good kind, and what he said next showed as much:

"Can it be? A respectably masculine and non-girly Belmont? For sooth! I must be in heaven!"

"No great ancestor," cut in Julius. "The year is 2035, and I look like this because I am no longer young."

"Peh. Took long enough to get it right," grumbled Simon, and then he said to Julius, "Do not fret over my presence. I have no quarrel with those who reflect the rough-and-tumble mantra of reputable vampire slayers. Now if you'll excuse me,"

Simon made to leave but was halted when Julius spoke up again.

"Listen to me! It was foretold in the footnotes of a prophecy that you would appear in this castle on this very night. I know all about the crusade you carried out to uphold the strong Belmont image centuries ago. The blood that was spilled…" Paused for effect, then resumed. "But there is no reason for you to continue your pursuit. The last of the Belmont pretty-boys died out once my youth ended. And I very much doubt there'll be any need for Belmonts once I'm gone."

"Nonsense!" Simon decried. "The pretty-boy threat lingers still. At the moment it is faint but I sense the wretched odor of aloe conditioner and frilliness most distinct. My 'crusade' as you put it isn't over quite yet."

Simon made to leave a second time.

"Then it seems I'll have to stop you myself," said Julius, which made Simon freeze mid-step before turning around to face his shaggy-faced kin.

"Is that so?" Simon asked rather seriously, to which Julius replied,

"The real reason I came on this night was to quell your rampage before it claimed any more lives. Seeing that I failed to convince you of your quest's invalidity I will have to stop you by force."

"Hmph," sighed Simon, before saying, "Is that right? You might find it hard to believe but I just killed a vampire lord moments ago."

Julius merely shrugged gruffly and said, "I already know about what you did to Dracula's son and I don't care! The senselessness needs to end, and I will do whatever it takes regardless of whatever you throw at me!"

These words had a brief affect on Simon but he remained rock-steady as he gave his response.

"So be it. Truthfully I didn't want to fight, but since you so blatantly want to defy your elder a whoopin' is what you shall have."

The two stared down each other as a hollow breeze blew through, and in an instant Julius leapt at Simon to bare his Heart of Fire. The bearded Belmont used his whip immediately which Simon deftly leapt from before strut-charging to do the same. Julius as well avoided the whip lash but did so with a flash-backstep, and now backed away some yards he jumped into the air and entered a downward kick. The maneuver's fast execution caught Simon by surprised and knocked him away. Julius then executed a slide attack but unlike before Simon leapt from harm's way and retaliated with a successful whip strike upon landing. Dealt a blow Julius leapt back in retreat and the two were again facing each other down.

"That's some fancy footwork you got boy," acknowledged Simon. "Most aloof, but it won't win you this fight I assure you!"

"You're quick on your feet as well for one as old as you," exchanged Julius. "But there is more than meets the eye with my fighting style!"

With that Julius charged and launched into another slide attack. Simon leapt to avoid it but Julius quickly entered a rising uppercut while yelling "Shoryuken!" to deal a brutal hit to the evading Belmont. The wind knocked out of him momentarily Simon fell back onto the ground and threw a Dagger which the descending Julius took without hope of avoiding. The two Belmonts separated again Simon threw up an Axe as did Julius, but the near-simultaneous tossing resulted in the separate Axes clanging off each other. The Belmonts tossed two more Axes but again the synchronized throwing made them ineffective. Opting for a different tactic Simon and Julius flung Crosses but they bounced off each other and went back to their respective owners. Both warriors became annoyed by the unintentionally comedic stand-off and leapt into the air to toss Holy Water but the vials connected in mid-air creating a blast of holy energy that knocked the two fighters to opposite sides of the room.

Recovering from the kick-back the Belmonts charged at each other and in no time met in the center of the room to deal a simultaneous whip strike. The crack of the two Vampire Killers intercepting shook the very air and produced a shockwave so massive that in the distance chunks of the floating castle's underside started to break off and fall into the clouds beneath. The jarring experience over the Belmonts stood back from one another slightly shaken by the event.

"Beginning to feel the wear of battle, ancestor?" inquired Julius, to which Simon aptly responded,

"I admit, you've been the most worthy foe I've faced so far, but I'm disappointed in your style. The martial arts are a nice touch but your battle theme is synthesized and lacking in raw emotion. At least with Bishi Blue (Richter) he had actual electric guitar in his theme: The defining instrument when it comes to vampire hunting!" Simon paused for laughs if any.

"Fair enough," agreed Julius. "Now let's resume my slaying of thee!"

"If you mean the other way around then yes!"

The two duked it out further in the ongoing clandestine battle of opposing equals. For a couple of seconds the two dramatically hopped around whipping the air over their heads in sequence never once landing a blow, but then Simon daringly chose to remain on the ground and was rewarded with an exposed Julius whose face he delivered a solid whip strike unto. Reeling back from the hit the mountain man took on a grave look before uttering,

"The time seems ripe to unleash my ultimate technique. Ready yourself!"

Drawing his arms to his sides Julius raised his head up into a yell as his body was lifted into a gathering ball of white energy. The energy created a vortex that sucked Simon in, and in desperation Simon tried to flee but his awkward strutting limited his running speed and thus he found himself drawn helplessly. After a moment the vortex stopped as a massive white cross of searing white light appeared, sending Simon flying to one side of the room. The massive cross dissipated as quickly as it had appeared and Julius returned to the ground to look upon the wounded Simon who said,

"What power… Have Belmonts really attained such strength this far down the line?"

"Believe it!" Julius replied rather enthusiastically. "And it's with this power I will end your misery post haste!"

Julius ran up to finish off Simon but before he could do that another person entered the room. Wearing a white fur-collared coat, black shirt, blue jeans and sporting short silver hair and a dark aura the youth approached Julius and inquired,

"Julius, who is that?"

While Julius was distracted by the question Simon detected the negative energy flowing from the pretty-boy and immediately sprung back onto his feet fully recovered from the last attack and looking as wild-eyed as 8-bits could muster.

"!" he silently exclaimed. "That scent, that power level. It's Dracula!"

"No Simon," denied Julius. "This is Soma, who is the meant to be the vessel for Dracula's resurrection. But through my help he should overcome this curse, for I believe-"

At that point Simon completely lost it.

"What! Did I hear you correctly! A Belmont, willingly siding with Dracula, WHO'S ALSO A PRETTY BOY? Ooooooh, such travesty is filling me with unprecedentedly murderous RAGE!"

Simon hunched over and began to loudly and angrily moan, his body bulging and morphing grotesquely. Before the eyes of Julius and Soma the elder Belmont evolved and transformed from blocky sharp-toned 8-bit into grand colorfully detailed harder better faster stronger imposing 16-bit form. The updated monstrosity grew more and more while groaning ever loudly until finally screaming out and letting off a massive sphere of retro epicness that engulfed everything. In the blink of an eye the entirety of the floating Castlevania exploded into clouds of minute debris and in their wake nothing remained but empty sky and a mournful wind.

**To Be Concluded**


	6. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

**Dawn of Sissies**

A black empty void greeted Simon upon his recovery from his apocalyptic outburst. Julius and Soma were gone, leaving Simon as his own company in the nothingness.

"Is it over? Have I done it?"

"I wouldn't say so just yet."

From the darkness came a malevolent laugh, and Simon witnessed a flock of bats descend and gather before him to take shape. The winged rodents fused into a caped persona of sinister design that was neither half-breed or vessel but the real deal of evil incarnate.

"Dracula!"

"Well met my foe! It's been a long time," spoke the suavely evil tyrant. Simon found himself feeling tense but also ecstatic at seeing his nemesis.

"So it's come down to this!" Simon shouted. "At the end of my noble quest you've come to do battle with me yet again Dracula. Nefarious as always!"

"Not quite," said Dracula. "I came here simply to talk with you."

"Dammit!" cursed Simon as he stamped the nonexistent ground. "Why has it been nothing but talk talk talk before every battle! What happened to the days where you set foot into a room and are instantly thrust into a struggle for life or death? This is purely expositional fodder; give me back the good days, cretins!" Simon shook a crotchety fist to emphasize the point.

"Settle down Belmont; I only wish to address the practice of nepocide* you've recently taken up." (*killing one's grandchildren)

"A-wha?" Simon uttered. "Sigh, once again someone takes objection to my worthy cause. Yet why are you concerned? My clansmen are your eternal rivals."

"That they are," Dracula agreed with flair. "But that is what makes your activities so concerning. For you see, in order for my resurrection to occur every hundred years an adult Belmont male must be present in that time period. That is the key to my immortality. However, should there be no Belmonts at all then there is nothing to instigate my return. I would be resigned to the grave permanently."

"Ha! All the more justification for the slaughter of my descendents. Their time frames are free of your return thanks to their deaths!" Simon gloated, but Dracula gave a condescending laugh before saying,

"Deluded fool. Killing one able male Belmont isn't enough to prevent my resurrection. Other Belmonts besides the ones you killed still exist, granting me the ability to return as before. In fact, in later generations Belmonts are nigh present to stop me upon my many revivals."

"What!" exclaimed Simon. "That's a complete lie!"

"It's no lie," confirmed Dracula. "You met two such examples during your 'quest.' In time people not of the Belmont bloodline will rise up to put me down, rendering your descendants' participation in my slayings wholly unnecessary."

"Is it… so…?" Simon mumbled before Dracula continued.

"Therefore in order to truly stop my return you would have to wipe out the Belmont clan from the very beginning, meaning you would have to kill your beloved idol Trevor."

"I would have to take out great-grandpa Trevor… in turn destroying myself in the process…" Simon for the first time ever began to question his place in the universe as a vampire hunter as well as the implications of permanently ridding his immortal foe.

"What's more," Dracula resumed. "There will always be pretty-boy Belmonts."

Simon gasped at that statement and was left speechless.

"Yes," said Dracula in the most deliciously evil manner possible. "It was decided long ago by Konami to change the image of Castlevania from Gothic to anime, resulting in the creation of bishounen protagonists to further draw in the female demographic towards its fanbase. The ones you killed were but a fraction of the many other pretty-boys that exist in our universe. There are pretty-boys in the Third Dimension you completely ignored, and even Trevor received a make-over to match the 'modern' art style."

"No! Say it isn't so!" Simon couldn't take much more of these terrible revelations, his panic fueling Dracula's evil attitude.

"It is so!" affirmed the Count. "The very Creators that brought life and form to this emptiness deemed that all combat-ready males be made into girly fashion models wielding whips. Even you, Simon, are given the same emasculating treatment in order to keep up with the times. Behold your new form and DESPAIR!"

Dracula raised a hand and off to the side a screen arose and showed a picture in motion of an under-dressed, smooth-skinned, yaoi-bait abomination of humanity that Simon couldn't fathom as being himself though deep within him he knew it to be true. Simon looked upon the cruel Judgment, and was mortified beyond words or reaction. A brief silence fell when Dracula cast away the appalling image until he said,

"As you can see your quest of ridding the world of pretty-boys is hopeless. The masculinity you sought to maintain is but an illusion; the dignity and purity nothing but lies. The wheel of fate was set into motion well before you had any objection and there's no stopping it. The influence of sissy-men now covers every aspect of our existence, every nook and cranny of our reality. All that you can do now is to accept the design of our Creators without question. Otherwise you will eventually fade into obscurity fighting for a lost cause; a fate far worse than the death I gave you."

The Belmont stood still and quiet, the words of Dracula taking hold. The Dark Lord relished the apparent turmoil his mortal foe was experiencing and enjoyed it even more knowing that he was the one who caused it. Simon now contemplated his actions, the futility of his goal, the idea that God indeed wanted him to become a pouty-lipped bishi. Mustering his remaining inner strength Simon began to speak:

"Even so… Even if I'm destined to become a pretty-boy… I remain resolute in sparing this world of their presence. I swore to myself to uphold the strong Belmont image, and if it means wiping the entire family line from existence then so be it. I'd rather the Belmont name never having existed then for it to be subjugated to the cruel fate placed upon it. Though it means my destruction I willingly sacrifice myself and all my kin to oblivion in order to save the world from the wretched taint of pretty-boys! But before I do I shall slay you for the sake of the humanity you've long terrorized, and once you're gone I'll make sure neither you nor I ever return to this plane again!"

This newfound courage and resolve irked Dracula somewhat, leading to this statement:

"Still uttering the same nonsense. No matter. Now is the time to put aside your waning masculine side and join me in emasculating this world!"

"Dracula, in the name of my family's honor, I will defeat you once and for all!"

Thus Simon launched himself at the dreaded Dracula for the very last time, intent on ending the vicious cycle of terror and male fanservice at long last or die trying.

**The End**

_*Inspired by Harmony of Dissonance's Boss Rush Mode for showing us that old-school Simon is just as powerful and awesome now as he was then, and dedicated to the 8-bit Warriors who continue to entertain and inspire gamers to this day. Simon Belmont Forever!*_


End file.
